My written language. #hackad #language #writing #depression (Taken with instagram)
My written language. #hackad #language #writing #depression (Taken with instagram)
I gotta finish that project… uggggggggggh so tired…
and I seriously just duck faced at my computer screen so that I could concentrate. I’ll go burn the computer now. I’m sorry.
Thankfully, I’ve never been on the receiving end of a cruel anon. I have been bullied. Many times. Too many times. I know what it’s like. I know how painful it is. It’s a cruel and cowardly thing to do to a person. I’ve known my attackers but not many of you can say the same. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Just know that I’m always here to lend an ear if you need it.
The following is a mix of what I’ve gone through emotionally and what I have seen some of you go through. If you can relate, again, know that there are others of us here who do really care for you. We’ll fight for you like no one ever has. :0)
Something punched me in the chest.
Something else hit the back of my head.
I spun around trying to find my attackers but saw nothing but shadows. Shadows of people. What I think were people. They were so consumed with fear and hatred for what I was that they weren’t even human anymore. They were monsters that only looked human.
Something slammed into my legs knocking me over. I collapsed and looked up.
‘Why can’t you leave me alone?’ I cried. ‘Cant you see that I’m hurting enough?’
But they couldn’t see. They didn’t have the same eyes that I did. That few people I know did. They didn’t understand and therefore lashed out in fear. Their fear, their pain, their dislike and distrust over ran all other thoughts and emotions. They were consumed. Without life. Few of them, maybe, might see with these same eyes of mine, but instead of helping me, faded into the shadows and lashed out in the hopes that they would gain healing. Instead, they fell deeper and deeper.
Another shadow kicked at my ribs while the others punched my legs and pulled my hair. I cried out for help but no one came. This had happened to others. People had tried to save them from these shadows but soon left, too busy, too tired, or were caught in the same trap. I cried and screamed. No one heard me. I tried to fight back but my hands would only find air.
I just wanted it to stop. I would do whatever it took. I was so beaten down, so worn from the fight, I just wanted to lay down and never get up. I cried even more, knowing that there were few options to take at this point, either give up completely or join them. I didn’t want to become them. Soulless, lifeless, without care for others. I didn’t want to do to others what they were doing to me. No. I’ll go. I’ll leave and never return.
I’ll lay down. Submit and let the darkness take me.
And not just him. My whole family actually. They’ve told me that I spend too much time in books, with my art, writing, and online instead of socializing. It kind of sucks because they know me better than that. I’ve always preferred to write/read/draw than socialize. It’s just not my thing. And if you read my last post on my fear of people, they know this too and yet they still insist on forcing me to go out with people.
They have complained that I don’t socialize enough with people. No offense but what is so good about them? My whole life has been torturous because of people. My peers growing up were buttholes to me, my teachers loved me but they didn’t know what to do with me other than send me to the library everyday. I just don’t really like to be around them. I feel safer talking to people via text, fb, tumblr, letters, or email. It’s not that I don’t want to be personal with them, that’s just the best way for me to pull it off. I told you earlier that I don’t speak well, technology has made it a little easier on me.
But what irks me, is that they say, ‘oh! go socialize with people!’ Who? I’m living at home instead of on campus because of my health, so I don’t get to see my friends much. They were under my category of “weekend friends” but now that I only see them in class, they’re just “school friends”. My dad is either at work, doing a photo job, or studying to be a Realtor. My brother is in soccer, marching band, has a girl friend, is in the praise band at church and in school. My mom is in her last semester of nursing school. Who the heck am I supposed to visit? It’s too far for my friends and I to meet up to see a movie or eat dinner together. We’re college kids. We don’t have that kind of money. And my job as a Librarian doesn’t pay enough for a social life. Not my fault the school cut my hours.
I’m freaking lonely and the only social interaction I get anymore is on here. AS SAD AS THAT IS. It’s better than being totally alone. I’m too scared to go out places and do stuff on my own because I’m always alone and don’t really WANT to do something else alone.
I’m just frustrated because I can’t win with them. I do one thing and they want me to do something else. I do that and then they want me to go back to the way I was. I just get tired of trying to please them. I’m sorry that I’m not out partying, doing drugs, getting knocked up, and letting my grades fall like all of the other Good Christina Girls. I get so tired of them wanting me to go out, experience the fun of college, and enjoy what time I have left, and then when I do it, they’re unhappy and are saying that I play too much by indulging MAYBE once a week.
I’m sorry. Let me go and crawl under this rock. That way I can’t hear your complaints about me being lonely and doing quiet things all of the time. I’m sorry that I’m doing your laundry, your dishes, and picking up your messes when I have homework or am brain dead from school. I know you’re tired but come on. Let’s be real here.
If you want me to go have social interaction, fine. I will. But I’m doing it in a way that makes me feel comfortable. I’m not going to go join the local book club, because our county is too illiterate to have one. I’m not going to go out on a date. I just broke up with someone and am healing from it. I’m sorry that I’m picky and that my standards are too high. I’m sorry that I can’t party and have a well paying job. Not in this economy. I’m sorry that you’ve asked me to go get a high paying job, and when I’ve found one, you’re displeased about my choice. IT’S A CHRISTIAN CAMP FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. I’M BEING PAID TO BE A MISSIONARY AND WORK ON A FARM ALL SUMMER WHILE GETTING SCHOOL CREDIT. It’s a dream of mine to work on a farm at least once in my life. Sorry that I’m living the dream and have a high paying job that’s actually enjoyable. Sorry it’s not good enough. I’m sorry that you raised me to be this way. It feels so messed up that you expect me to be Super Girl and balance both sides of the social spectrum.
Fine. I’ll go out and party and smoke and do drugs. I’ll be loud and obnoxious and hang out with people that you don’t like. I’ll dye my hair funky colours because that’s the “social” thing to do. Fine. I’ll do it. But you won’t like it. Then you’ll come complaining to me that I’m playing too much.
Not really. I’m too shy for that and it would only make me sick. So instead. I will sit here in front of my computer, notepad, drawing pad, book, or journal and enjoy the time God has given me. Because honestly, this is a heck of a lot more fun than anything you crazy people have planned for me. Go to a dinner party? Me? Really? No thank you. If I have to go, I’m taking my notebook and I will sit in my corner of the room and not talk to anyone. Thanks. *sarcastic thumbs up*
Such empty promises!
Do you even know what you are doing?
Every FALSE word
Every FALSE action
Everything you do causes pain and destruction!
Why do you continue?
Why are you here?
What purpose do you serve in my life except misery?
I’m tired of the pain
The empty gifts and words.
Stop and leave me be.
You’re my shadow.
Go away and stop it!
My own Shadow Demon is enough.
I don’t need you feeding It.
It drags me down
Leaves me empty
Wishing I could hide away under a blanket and never come out.
You’re adding to it.
I’m hurting enough.
God and I are already fighting a battle.
I don’t want two fronts.
I can barely take the pressure of one.
I know my God has me
That He’ll protect me
He’ll fight for me when I am unable to fight by His side.
He will stop this in His time.
But you have the power to stop adding to it.
Stop fueling the Enemy.
I don’t need it from you too.
I’m having a really bad, low day. My Shadow has been hanging around all day. I ran out of my medicine earlier this week and I have been having anxiety from withdraw. It’s been a rough day. THG was probably the only bright spot. Other than that, bleh. I just ask that you guys pray for me.
Just got back from the doctor’s office. I still can’t figure that man out. He confuses the crap out of me because he is so unreadable. He seems nice but at the same time, he’s cold and distant. Arg! I WILL figure you out one day old man. One day.
On a brighter note, it went well. I actually smiled a little during the session. Happy Wednesday! :D
So my doctor put me back on Aderoll because I have issues with anxiety. However, their not sure if my anxiety is being fueled by the ADHD or if I really do have a freak chemical imbalance going on. So to eliminate the AD, I’m being put back on the most successful, hardest to swallow AD drug that I’ve ever been on. Oh yeah, btw, it cause me to lose my appetite and turns me into an insomniac, not that I’m not one already… It’s just funny, 8 years ago, I thought I was done with this horrid drug for good. I had learned how my brain was supposed to function and it taught me how to cope; my parents helped a lot with that too.
What I don’t like about it:
>I can’t swallow pills. I choke on Claratin with is the size of a small bread crumb. To make matters worse, it’s a capsule…so it floats… and dissolves in my mouth after 30 seconds of me trying to buck up the courage to swallow the blasted thing.
>Second thing I hate about it, which is by far the worst to me, it kills my imagination. Imagine, chaining up a small child and hiding them in a sound proof room. All of the noise that I’m use to hearing in the back of my head, all of the buzzing, disappears. That buzzing is what keeps me from going crazy half of the time because I’m so lonely that I have to create imaginary friends at the ripe old age of 20. No, this is not to gain pity but to help you understand me better. I hate pity with a passion. It’s like stabbing me in the lungs. I kind of miss the buzzing. The quiet, idealistic bees that keep me company throughout the day when people just aren’t helping me. I can remember in 9th grade, I used to imagine a dragon would visit me during marching band practice.
All this to say, I’m glad that I can focus a bit better and that I’m a little less jittery, however, I regret losing that comforting buzzing in the back of my head that has become my best friend.
I think I’m finally starting to see it’s upsides. There are a lot of people on here like me. There are a lot of people like me on other sites too. The blessing of this curse, is that I feel like God has been using me here lately to comfort those who are stuck in the same, slightly, screwed up boat. I’m not alone and neither are they. It’s comforting to me and I hope I can share that comfort with them. Don’t hesitate to msg me if you ever want to talk. I’m here for you if you need ANYTHING, aside from killing someone… ;0) Remember that I love you a lot and I’m here to give you a hug or listen to anything you need to get off of your chest. Even if it’s not depression and it’s some other health problem or family issue, I’m here. I’ve been through a lot with my family and friends and have a lot of illnesses. I can relate. :0)
With a lot of love,
I really do. You are awesome. Special. Fantastic. Wonderful. You are you. You are so perfect. Just. The. Way. You. Are. Don’t change. Life can stink. It’s the worst sometimes. It’s also wonderful. Why? Because you’re here. We’ve got each other. We might not know each other but we can change that. We can ban together to lift each other up so that we don’t have to fall alone.
I love you. :0)