And not just him. My whole family actually. They’ve told me that I spend too much time in books, with my art, writing, and online instead of socializing. It kind of sucks because they know me better than that. I’ve always preferred to write/read/draw than socialize. It’s just not my thing. And if you read my last post on my fear of people, they know this too and yet they still insist on forcing me to go out with people.
They have complained that I don’t socialize enough with people. No offense but what is so good about them? My whole life has been torturous because of people. My peers growing up were buttholes to me, my teachers loved me but they didn’t know what to do with me other than send me to the library everyday. I just don’t really like to be around them. I feel safer talking to people via text, fb, tumblr, letters, or email. It’s not that I don’t want to be personal with them, that’s just the best way for me to pull it off. I told you earlier that I don’t speak well, technology has made it a little easier on me.
But what irks me, is that they say, ‘oh! go socialize with people!’ Who? I’m living at home instead of on campus because of my health, so I don’t get to see my friends much. They were under my category of “weekend friends” but now that I only see them in class, they’re just “school friends”. My dad is either at work, doing a photo job, or studying to be a Realtor. My brother is in soccer, marching band, has a girl friend, is in the praise band at church and in school. My mom is in her last semester of nursing school. Who the heck am I supposed to visit? It’s too far for my friends and I to meet up to see a movie or eat dinner together. We’re college kids. We don’t have that kind of money. And my job as a Librarian doesn’t pay enough for a social life. Not my fault the school cut my hours.
I’m freaking lonely and the only social interaction I get anymore is on here. AS SAD AS THAT IS. It’s better than being totally alone. I’m too scared to go out places and do stuff on my own because I’m always alone and don’t really WANT to do something else alone.
I’m just frustrated because I can’t win with them. I do one thing and they want me to do something else. I do that and then they want me to go back to the way I was. I just get tired of trying to please them. I’m sorry that I’m not out partying, doing drugs, getting knocked up, and letting my grades fall like all of the other Good Christina Girls. I get so tired of them wanting me to go out, experience the fun of college, and enjoy what time I have left, and then when I do it, they’re unhappy and are saying that I play too much by indulging MAYBE once a week.
I’m sorry. Let me go and crawl under this rock. That way I can’t hear your complaints about me being lonely and doing quiet things all of the time. I’m sorry that I’m doing your laundry, your dishes, and picking up your messes when I have homework or am brain dead from school. I know you’re tired but come on. Let’s be real here.
If you want me to go have social interaction, fine. I will. But I’m doing it in a way that makes me feel comfortable. I’m not going to go join the local book club, because our county is too illiterate to have one. I’m not going to go out on a date. I just broke up with someone and am healing from it. I’m sorry that I’m picky and that my standards are too high. I’m sorry that I can’t party and have a well paying job. Not in this economy. I’m sorry that you’ve asked me to go get a high paying job, and when I’ve found one, you’re displeased about my choice. IT’S A CHRISTIAN CAMP FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. I’M BEING PAID TO BE A MISSIONARY AND WORK ON A FARM ALL SUMMER WHILE GETTING SCHOOL CREDIT. It’s a dream of mine to work on a farm at least once in my life. Sorry that I’m living the dream and have a high paying job that’s actually enjoyable. Sorry it’s not good enough. I’m sorry that you raised me to be this way. It feels so messed up that you expect me to be Super Girl and balance both sides of the social spectrum.
Fine. I’ll go out and party and smoke and do drugs. I’ll be loud and obnoxious and hang out with people that you don’t like. I’ll dye my hair funky colours because that’s the “social” thing to do. Fine. I’ll do it. But you won’t like it. Then you’ll come complaining to me that I’m playing too much.
Not really. I’m too shy for that and it would only make me sick. So instead. I will sit here in front of my computer, notepad, drawing pad, book, or journal and enjoy the time God has given me. Because honestly, this is a heck of a lot more fun than anything you crazy people have planned for me. Go to a dinner party? Me? Really? No thank you. If I have to go, I’m taking my notebook and I will sit in my corner of the room and not talk to anyone. Thanks. *sarcastic thumbs up*