Perfect Simplicity

I’m going to miss the Adam streaming. I’m going to lose precious alone time. I’m going to be told something that I don’t want to hear. I didn’t sleep at all last night, despite my meds. Who could with the chaos? I’m tired, I fell asleep in my favourite class taught by my favourite teacher. Ah well, I’m making it up to him with a coffee/brunch outing in a half hour. My head is pounding and it’s all I can do to not wear my sunglasses inside again like yesterday. I can’t handle light very much anymore anyways. Just gives me a migraine. I’m thinking that this fall when I go for an eye exam, I’m going to get prescription sunglasses and start wearing them everywhere like Bono. I’m cool enough to pull that off. Right? Whatever. I can’t drive without sunglasses anymore; night or day. I can barely handle being inside without the lights off or dimmed. I think something is wrong. Maybe it’s just my medicines that are making me more sensitive than normal. Maybe it’s just stress. What does it matter? It’s been getting worse for the past two-ish years now. Maybe I’m just over sensitive naturally or something.

Mostly, I’m just kind of numb. My head (migraine) is numb. My thoughts are numb. My emotions are numb. I made that glitter jar last night. It helped a little but I don’t think I got enough oil in it. The glitter kind of clumped up. XDD I also couldn’t find the food colouring. I might buy some on the way home. Blue and red. Or green. Purple and green are my favourite colours. They always make me feel better. I didn’t make it for cutting but just because I needed something quiet to distract me.

Just keep my brother and I in your prayers. We need it. His grades are dropping and he’s getting into more trouble because of this mess and my health is pretty much shot. Could also use a cookie or some black cherry Hagen Dass but I’ve lost about 10 pounds the past few weeks. I don’t want to gain it back. XD

On a brighter note, here’s a pretty picture I found on DeviantArt:

Now to go draw something. I hope. I’ve been staring at this paper for about ten minutes now. I can’t bring myself to draw anything even though I know that I need to. XD

The Bear and the Wolf are displeased with me. Again. I can’t do anything right, it seems. I’m sorry for caring? I think? I’m sorry that I’m trying to be the kind, loving, gentle girl that you want so much. I could be apathetic. That what you crazy animals want? I’m so tired of the people in my life right now. As soon as I graduate, I’m moving far, far away. I’m just tired of not being able to please them.

Thankfully, I’ve never been on the receiving end of a cruel anon. I have been bullied. Many times. Too many times. I know what it’s like. I know how painful it is. It’s a cruel and cowardly thing to do to a person. I’ve known my attackers but not many of you can say the same. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Just know that I’m always here to lend an ear if you need it.
The following is a mix of what I’ve gone through emotionally and what I have seen some of you go through. If you can relate, again, know that there are others of us here who do really care for you. We’ll fight for you like no one ever has. :0)

WHAM!
Something punched me in the chest.
WACK!
Something else hit the back of my head.
I spun around trying to find my attackers but saw nothing but shadows. Shadows of people. What I think were people. They were so consumed with fear and hatred for what I was that they weren’t even human anymore. They were monsters that only looked human.
BAM!
Something slammed into my legs knocking me over. I collapsed and looked up.
‘Why can’t you leave me alone?’ I cried. ‘Cant you see that I’m hurting enough?’
But they couldn’t see. They didn’t have the same eyes that I did. That few people I know did. They didn’t understand and therefore lashed out in fear. Their fear, their pain, their dislike and distrust over ran all other thoughts and emotions. They were consumed. Without life. Few of them, maybe, might see with these same eyes of mine, but instead of helping me, faded into the shadows and lashed out in the hopes that they would gain healing. Instead, they fell deeper and deeper.
CRACK!
Another shadow kicked at my ribs while the others punched my legs and pulled my hair. I cried out for help but no one came. This had happened to others. People had tried to save them from these shadows but soon left, too busy, too tired, or were caught in the same trap. I cried and screamed. No one heard me. I tried to fight back but my hands would only find air.
I just wanted it to stop. I would do whatever it took. I was so beaten down, so worn from the fight, I just wanted to lay down and never get up. I cried even more, knowing that there were few options to take at this point, either give up completely or join them. I didn’t want to become them. Soulless, lifeless, without care for others. I didn’t want to do to others what they were doing to me. No. I’ll go. I’ll leave and never return.
I’ll lay down. Submit and let the darkness take me.

‘grow a thicker skin’
And what makes you think that I don’t have thick skin? I internalize so much. I keep stuff to myself so that it doesn’t seem like I’m complaining. I hate complaining unless its warranted. People complain to me that I don’t open up enough but the few times that I do, they complain that I’m too soft and that I need to grow a thicker skin. I’m sorry for trying to fix the problem that you brought to my attention. Forgive me for trying to keep peace between us. Really. I’m very sorry that I’m human and am unable to please you.
I don’t need thicker skin. I need people to see that I hold back a lot for the sake of peace and because I just don’t like to talk about how I feel. I prefer to let other people tell me their problems instead of addressing my own. Sorry that I’ve decided to follow what you have requested and that you don’t like it. Fine. I’ll stop. I’ll hold it in for months on end until I can’t hold it anymore and release my furry on some poor sap that crosses me the wrong way.
I’m sorry that I don’t cry where people can see. I’m sorry that you’re the only ones who have seen it and therefore think that I’m a cry baby. I’m sorry for trying to open up to you like you wanted. I’m sorry for being an open book to you. I won’t let it out anymore. I won’t let it happen again. Happy now? No? Cool. Complain all you want and you won’t hear a peep from me.

Such empty promises!
Do you even know what you are doing?
Every word
Every action
Every FALSE word
Every FALSE action
Everything you do causes pain and destruction!
Why do you continue?
Why are you here?
What purpose do you serve in my life except misery?
I’m tired of the pain
The lies
The torment
The empty gifts and words.
I’m tired.
Just stop.
Stop and leave me be.
You’re my shadow.
My demon.
Go away and stop it!
My own Shadow Demon is enough.
I don’t need you feeding It.
It drags me down
Leaves me empty
Wishing I could hide away under a blanket and never come out.
You’re adding to it.
Please stop.
I’m hurting enough.
God and I are already fighting a battle.
I don’t want two fronts.
I can barely take the pressure of one.
I know my God has me
That He’ll protect me
He’ll fight for me when I am unable to fight by His side.
He will stop this in His time.
Not mine.
But you have the power to stop adding to it.
Stop fueling the Enemy.
I don’t need it from you too.

dustydusterson:

official310:

A little backstory to this clip before you watch it:

Will Smith’s father abandoned him and his mother when he was a child, and when Will was finally getting into show business and making a name for himself, he tried to sneak his way back into his life like nothing happened. Will co-wrote this episode, and James Avery (Uncle Phil) said “this scene was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to shoot in my life. Every emotion, every word.. that was Will”

Will was actually supposed to play it off and then walk away, and there was originally an alternate scene that was supposed to happen, but he actually completely cut out what was supposed to be said, and did all of his own dialogue. The hug at the end of this scene is completely genuine, and this was a stepping stone in Will’s career where he started to take on the “do what feels, sounds, and looks right” approach to his acting.

I started crying at the end.
I CRIED. 

This was hard to watch. I’ve been down this road before. Not with my parents, they’ve been good to me. But there have been people in my life that have made me wish that I could say some of this stuff to.

(via dustydusterson-deactivated20121)